13th sketch - [written/anonymous]

[sketchingideals]

[After who knows how many nightmares of the same moments leading up to his return over and over again, Jeb's shaky attempts to keep himself as optimistic as he's always been are finally beginning to crumble. After waking up from the bloody imagery once more, he pulls himself out of bed shakily and moves over to his journal. After retrieving it, he moves back over to the bed, placing it in his lap.

He decides to make a written post addressed to the public of Luceti. However, he does two things beforehand. First, he covers the camera. With his ideals torn like this, he's not sure he wants anyone to know who they're responding to. He's more ridiculously self-conscious than usual, after all. Secondly, he thinks of his twin brother's writing and tries to adapt the style, hoping to further erase any traces leading back to him.]

Say you've believed very strongly in something for a really long time. Ideals you didn't think could ever be broken, no matter how hard things got. Something you could always believe in, because you really thought the world around you could be better.

What if something happens where you begin to question those? Especially if you begin to question them because people close to you got really hurt? Or they could even be dead, but you don't know and you have no way of finding out?

Is it okay to not want to see the world as beautiful as you usually do for a while when things like that happen?

Comments

[Written]

[complicatedliar]

The world is quite beautiful. But that does not mean it is also not dangerous and ugly. And either way, it does not give a damn about any of us.

[written, permanently anonymous from his end unless something happens to change that]

[sketchingideals]

[Oh, it's... Loki. Jeb's still not sure what to think about him after his conversation with Clint, but he's not too pushed down to not continue to give the man the benefit of the doubt.]

I probably was naive to think that things could just be okay as long as I kept believing, but I knew the world wasn't capable of caring from the start. [At least, the world itself. Back home, he knows there's the existence of at least one goddess, but who knows how she truly feels about anything? Especially after being sealed away for so long... there's a worry that even if they did find Aviophiel, she'd be unwilling to help.] So even after seeing one of the ugly sides, it's still okay to see the beauty in it? It's not wrong to?

[Written]

[complicatedliar]

Sometimes its ugliness and harshness is its own sort of beauty. But in truth, I find the world... the universe itself far more beautiful than people. Precisely because it does not care who it hurts and who it lifts up.

[written]

[sketchingideals]

I disagree--even now, I think people are what make everything so beautiful! So much is brought to the plate by so many. But it's not enough, I guess.

I don't know who I'd be--where I'd be--if it weren't for the people close to me. To be honest, I don't find any worth in myself at all. Seeing the beauty around me was enough. Helping the wonderful people around me was enough. But maybe that's part of why I'm finding everything so difficult right now. It didn't matter if I hated myself and thought I was worthless, but now that I know I might come home to the deaths of two of the people I love the most, I suppose I just don't know about anything anymore. I might never have, even.

But if you don't mind me asking, why do you think the universe is more beautiful than people?

[written]

[imatreenow]

[He smirks bitterly at every word on the page, but the final line draws his smirk the widest. This is something close to amusing. So stupid, so foolish. Before writing a reply, he obscures his own image.]

The world is relentlessly unkind, and the people who inhabit it are worse. Don't expect anything to change. If you seek for beauty, you seek in vain.

[written]

[sketchingideals]

[That sounds so much like--

But it couldn't be, right? And there's no way to know, so it doesn't matter. His own identity is hidden, too. And Jeb keeps it that way, his hand still over his journal's camera as he writes his response.]

Part of me wants to not expect anything to change from the ugliness I've seen recently. But I also know that they would never want me to do something like that. If I stop seeking for beauty for good, I think I'd betray their memories and all the good things we've shared.

[A pause.]

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just getting more and more tempted, and either way I don't think the nightmares would vanish.

[written]

[imatreenow]

[They would never want me to do something like that. The words jab into him, evoking in sharp relief the image of Martel's look of disappointment, her mask of misunderstanding. His fingers tense around his pen.

The ugliness he's seen recently... Mithos glances back to the top of the page. Loved ones hurt. Loved ones dead. Nightmares. He knows the fear behind these words.] Why were the people close to you hurt?

[written]

[sketchingideals]

[Jeb draws out a long breath, and he hesitates to answer for a few minutes. When he does, his hand is shaky around his pen:]

They got hurt because they were protecting me, and my siblings. [He still doesn't understand why they had been targeted. Donovan wanted them alive...] They didn't want us to be the ones injured.

[written]

[geniustheveil]

Sometimes, some ideals don't work out the way we'd like them to. When that happens, you have to find the best way forward to do what's right to solve the problems that arise. It's alright to be frustrated, but don't give up.

[written]

[sketchingideals]

[Oh, Ami... he appreciates that a lot.]

Thank you. I'll do my best not to give up, even if it's tempting.

I wish I'd found the best way to move forward already, but I think that's not something you can do easily.

Re: [written]

[geniustheveil]

No; but it's something important, and something each person can do. Especially with the help of their friends.

[written]

[sketchingideals]

["With the help of their friends"... that's right, Jeb still has friends here who would be willing to listen and support him though this. He just hasn't wanted to burden them, as well.]

I guess you're right. You don't think I'd be troubling them, do you?

[Written]

[cuteisawayoflife]

In other words, everything you believed was a lie. Or at least used to be true and isn't anymore. Something like that?

[written]

[sketchingideals]

Well, not everything, but something really important.

[written]

[cuteisawayoflife]

Yeah, that's pretty bad too. ...not that I'd know! [She almost wishes she'd obscured the camera first, discussing this even without revealing that she does, indeed know and why she knows is hard enough. It's pretty pathetic, when she thinks about it; antisocial Daria can spill all her deepest feelings to her weird friend, while Quinn can talk to anyone about anything but her deepest feelings.] I mean...let's say you've been using a brand of lipstick since you were twelve and one day you find out they've been testing on animals. You definitely wouldn't want to use them anymore after that!

[written]

[sketchingideals]

No. I definitely wouldn't, if I used lipstick. [This... feels pretty awkward. He gets the impression that Quinn does know, but with him being anonymous, he has no right to question her. ...he wouldn't have the right even if he wasn't, he thinks.]

[Written]

[tsunsandsteals]

You shouldn't ever let anyone change the way you think. Ever. Strong people keep doing things their way no matter what anyone says.

[written]

[sketchingideals]

[Oh, Silver. Silver, Silver.

Jeb's reply is short and sweet, but still anonymous:]

I'm not strong at all.

[written]

[tsunsandsteals]

Heh, obviously. If you can even think for a minute that you should give up. Even if something really bad happens and it hurts like hell, giving up is just stupid.

[Written]

[funnygirl]

I don't believe it's wrong to feel that way, no. Life has its upsets and sometimes people can get hurt. It's okay to not see the world as beautiful all the time as long as you don't ignore the moments that it is.

[written]

[sketchingideals]

[Jeb... actually smiles at that.]

I think that's a wonderful way to think of it--I hope I can remember it. I really don't want to give up the way I've lived for so long when it's made me so happy, it's just so difficult right now. Maybe if I try to think of it that way, it'll help me.

[written]

[funnygirl]

I hope it does. And I hope I'm not being too forward, but you seem to be quite troubled right now. Would you like to talk about it?

[written]

[seleniahymn]

[... This hits a little too close to home, not just for her world. It should come to no surprise that this reply would be written, the camera covered just the same as she silently thanks that she did not communicate with written message too often.]

Always in life, there are instances where we question just what to do with ourselves. All too often we are left to deal with it on our own, some even choosing to do so because they think it would be best for those around them.

But that is not always true, and it is not wrong to question those beliefs you held to for so long. It is frightening, but for all that fear, you may find yourself in a better place when you move past it. The world hasn't changed, we are simply more aware of what it is.

[written]

[sketchingideals]

[He appreciates the words, though he's not entirely sure how to respond. He does his best, however, to get his thoughts down:]

I wonder how long it'll take for me to move past this fear, or if I even can. I know they wouldn't want me to suffer or dwell, but I dream about them almost every night, and the dreams are never good.

You're right, the world probably hasn't changed at all. I just don't know how to adapt instead.

[written]

[seleniahymn]

How long it takes for you to move past the fear isn't what is important – it is whether you choose to move past it or not. That you are asking for advice is the first indication that you want to move past this.

It helps to acknowledge that the fear might always be there, even though we may not want it to be. And as you said, they would not want you to suffer as you are.